Self: The Fool
You inhabit that transitional world between the past and the future, liberated from traditional boundaries in your work or career.
The card in the Self position is about the role you play in your work, the way you play it, the way you feel about it, your attitude about your work in general.
The Fool is associated with circumstances that are unique, unpredictable, inscrutable -- one who is suspended between realities. The Fool is often portrayed as an empty headed simpleton unaware of the forces that move him to and fro, following his impulses.
Tradition tells us that this Fool has a secret that protects him: the magic of synchronicity. He proceeds without calculation, spontaneously, without hesitation or resistance. If you trust in your own mystery and that of Divine Providence, you can step into a new realm of work-related opportunities. For now, trust your instincts. If you have no expectations, you have nothing to lose.
The card in the Self position is about the role you play in your work, the way you play it, the way you feel about it, your attitude about your work in general.
The Fool is associated with circumstances that are unique, unpredictable, inscrutable -- one who is suspended between realities. The Fool is often portrayed as an empty headed simpleton unaware of the forces that move him to and fro, following his impulses.
Tradition tells us that this Fool has a secret that protects him: the magic of synchronicity. He proceeds without calculation, spontaneously, without hesitation or resistance. If you trust in your own mystery and that of Divine Providence, you can step into a new realm of work-related opportunities. For now, trust your instincts. If you have no expectations, you have nothing to lose.
Foundation: Nine of Imps
Give your expectations a rest. Be generous to yourself.
The card in the Foundation position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background.
The Nine of Wands in this position points to a background of hard work in which there were no acceptable alternatives but to carry the load by yourself and strive against all odds. This attitude invariably leads to extremely high expectations for yourself that are sometimes even inhumane.
Try relating to yourself as your own best friend rather than as a taskmaster. Give your expectations a rest and be generous to yourself. Fight a tendency to be tyrannical; let go of the "shoulds" you put on yourself.
The card in the Lesson position points to a possible sacrifice you might have to make for the sake of your work.
When the High Priestess presents in this position, you are being asked to give up tendencies toward gratuitous socializing, empty verbalizing and endless distraction via television, novels, films or the Internet. This is a period of relative austerity.
A fast from unnecessary inputs will refine your sensitivity to the invisible forces eclipsed by our culture's addiction to glamour and stimulation. The High Priestess is the icon of meditation and letting go. When you allow the spaciousness of your soul to support your mind, you will be learning the lesson of the High Priestess.
Taurus and Taurus Love:
The card in the Foundation position points to influences from your personal history, your roots and background.
The Nine of Wands in this position points to a background of hard work in which there were no acceptable alternatives but to carry the load by yourself and strive against all odds. This attitude invariably leads to extremely high expectations for yourself that are sometimes even inhumane.
Try relating to yourself as your own best friend rather than as a taskmaster. Give your expectations a rest and be generous to yourself. Fight a tendency to be tyrannical; let go of the "shoulds" you put on yourself.
Lesson: The High Priestess
Simplify your life for awhile.The card in the Lesson position points to a possible sacrifice you might have to make for the sake of your work.
When the High Priestess presents in this position, you are being asked to give up tendencies toward gratuitous socializing, empty verbalizing and endless distraction via television, novels, films or the Internet. This is a period of relative austerity.
A fast from unnecessary inputs will refine your sensitivity to the invisible forces eclipsed by our culture's addiction to glamour and stimulation. The High Priestess is the icon of meditation and letting go. When you allow the spaciousness of your soul to support your mind, you will be learning the lesson of the High Priestess.
Long-Term: Nine of Bats
Your need to be free will eventually overcome your attachment to comfort.
The card in the Long-Term position gives a hint of your current work's potential. This is not cast in concrete. If indications are less than desirable, you can change directions by exercising skillful decision-making and good timing.
The Nine of Swords in this position suggests that if you can respond to the promise of freedom, and go through some arduous passage, you may be able to win your way out of a trap or binding situation without becoming more of a victim. This may require becoming a bit of a warrior, because warrior energy will be what is needed to get out of it. You can compare the feeling of this card to the shock of being immersed into the turbulent waters of a cold stream after soaking in a warm bathtub of predictability. Going through this and coming out stronger may require cutting off that part of yourself that feels needy or like a victim.
Although there is the possibility of tragedy and pathos, when the old gratifications are no longer available, the nostalgia will eventually diminish too. Take heart in this, because after all the letting go you will find yourself open for, and capable of, new fulfillment. The coming time will require a new approach -- one that is more self sufficient, self-directed and self-willed, with less dependence on others.
The card in the Long-Term position gives a hint of your current work's potential. This is not cast in concrete. If indications are less than desirable, you can change directions by exercising skillful decision-making and good timing.
The Nine of Swords in this position suggests that if you can respond to the promise of freedom, and go through some arduous passage, you may be able to win your way out of a trap or binding situation without becoming more of a victim. This may require becoming a bit of a warrior, because warrior energy will be what is needed to get out of it. You can compare the feeling of this card to the shock of being immersed into the turbulent waters of a cold stream after soaking in a warm bathtub of predictability. Going through this and coming out stronger may require cutting off that part of yourself that feels needy or like a victim.
Although there is the possibility of tragedy and pathos, when the old gratifications are no longer available, the nostalgia will eventually diminish too. Take heart in this, because after all the letting go you will find yourself open for, and capable of, new fulfillment. The coming time will require a new approach -- one that is more self sufficient, self-directed and self-willed, with less dependence on others.
Taurus and Taurus Love:
You are stubborn, loyal, earthy, and patient. Oftentimes you are slow to change, preferring the solid foundation of familiarity. When meeting a fellow Bull for romance, there will be a practical approach to love and marriage. Both of you possess steadfast values and a well-defined picture of the world around you. Relationships are rarely tolerable for you if you feel out of sync with your partner's value system. Accordingly, as long as you and your Taurus partner have similar philosophies about love, family, and money, the prerequisites for a deep bond is present.
The two of you together can enjoy activities such as gardening, hiking, and, certainly, sitting on a blanket in the meadow enjoying a delicious picnic. Indeed, you are both willing to satiate your senses and therefore probably share a love of eating. You will have to remain vigilant about encouraging each other toward laziness, and especially watch each other's intake of breads, sweets, and snacks. You may find it difficult to start projects together, but once started, you’ll see them through to completion.
Remember, two Taurus people can be quite different, depending on the placement of the other planets in the birth charts. For example, if you have your Moon in any fire sign (Aries, Leo or Sagittarius) or air sign (Gemini, Libra or Aquarius), your differences can feel very stressful. (Click here to find out where the Moon is in your birth chart.)
Other considerations aside, you can be quite happy with another Taurus as you move relentlessly toward creating your life together.
The two of you together can enjoy activities such as gardening, hiking, and, certainly, sitting on a blanket in the meadow enjoying a delicious picnic. Indeed, you are both willing to satiate your senses and therefore probably share a love of eating. You will have to remain vigilant about encouraging each other toward laziness, and especially watch each other's intake of breads, sweets, and snacks. You may find it difficult to start projects together, but once started, you’ll see them through to completion.
Remember, two Taurus people can be quite different, depending on the placement of the other planets in the birth charts. For example, if you have your Moon in any fire sign (Aries, Leo or Sagittarius) or air sign (Gemini, Libra or Aquarius), your differences can feel very stressful. (Click here to find out where the Moon is in your birth chart.)
Other considerations aside, you can be quite happy with another Taurus as you move relentlessly toward creating your life together.
- Mood:
amused
That's how my relationship is and feels right now at this point.
Brad was suppose to stop over, but he has to close the resteraunt tonight so he won't be able to, and he only has two days off next week and yeah. Rough.
I can only stay for so long and hold on only so tight for so long. What else am I suppose to do besides being restless and occupying my time with people who fill my heasd with diffrent thoughts and ideas and take me to parties where I can get in huge and major trouble =/ *sigh*
I just feel as if things are falling apart with our love all around me. Once again, the infmous quote still stands....'WE HAVE THE RIGHT LOVE AT THE WRONG TME." <----True!
What more do I want? Am I being selfish? I want to see my boyfriend. I want to feel conncected and loved. I shouldn't always get surprised and shocked if and when he does little things like call to check in when he's bored at work, or say he plans to be with me through college. Those things actually make me think and gasp. Whoa. Damn =) =/ ?
I don't believe I am that selfish because its not like I have anyone else to fullfill my time. I'm a loner and far behind in life so it feels and seems. (everyday)
I feel lonenly, more times than I should. And I'm not married to the kid, so its not like I can see him when he comes home from work AND i'm not officially attached, I can still escape and break away. I just don't want that, but I'm sick of bringing up the same issue and talking about the same thingssssss.
He tells me he does a lot for me and to appreciate him. I do, I understand it is out of his power when he has to work. He is needed and depended on and that's a rewarding thing to have and hard to find these days, especially at a young age. Anyway, that's not it. He doesn;t have time for a girlfriend right now and I'm afraid we are both just dancing around that fact and pretending it doesn't exsist.
It's like dancing around fire. We can see it burn but we can't see the heat, we can only feel that. That's what the loliness is. Blind heat that hurts if you stand around too long.
Just cause we can't see it, we seem to avoid it until it hurts, and its hurting me most. I'm being burnt the worst and feeling the heat and pressure and stress the most.
The plus is (i guess) is that I learned to adapt and become accustomed to all this. Dissappointment after dissapointment is now just an expected occurance. Is that right and is that normal and healthy for a relationship? Or is it good that I can take all this and finally roll it off my back after a little venting and move on find something else to occupy my time with and think/ponder about.
I work out. I read. I eat (too much these days) I try to sleep, I hang out with whoever whenever, and that's it. When will a job ever come?!
Will things end up getting better or worse if you cut the imbilical cord to the life of this so called long lasting relationship and best-friendship?!
- Mood:
contemplative
The statement, as cheesy as it sounds and cliche, actually is the truth. It may not always feel like it but there are sooooo many people out there in the world. Maybe that's why so many online dating services were created. We can;t just get on a plane and tour the world, we need help, but itssure as hell out there, at least it has to be (so we all tend to hope).
Just going and being at Meyers yesterday opened my eyes. There are so many guys and really good looking nice sweet guys as well. They go beyond Brad, but that doesn't make me want to leave his side, just hope for the future since I don''t tend to last forever with him. He even admitted today that he wouldn't marry me, he couldn't see himself. Yet, he claims and declares me his dream girl. Whatever. I wouldn't marry him either anyway, so there! (spite)
Anyway, Sammi is off sleeping over Bobby's house tonight and hung out with him yesterday. I know she likes him all over again, and she een admitted to not having any shame or guilt about Rob and he was even texting her while she was with Bobby. Poor kid, my heart goes out to him, he's totally clueless and its rather depressing if you ask me. Oh well. it's not place nor bussiness to tell him. And the same goes for sarah stuts. She's been with Justin since like, the dawn of time it seems (3 yrs) and shes unhappy now with him and tends to have a crush on another kid.She isn't sure if she wants to completely break up with him, or cheat on him, Its sad, but this is what it all comes down to. This is what its like. I'd be lying if I said they don't put paranoia and ideas into my head. She says she can't wait for college and to have fun and explore and thats what its all about. She asked Brad today at lunch about if he plans on staying with me and such, and I was shocked by his reaction.....YES. He plans on it and says he does not like anyone else r is interested in anyone else, only me, and he wrapped me in his arms and kissed me. Sappy? He's a keeper right? Sarah had that "aw" look on her face and twinge of jealousy. Brad is a good guy and good catch, why can't I see that and just be overly romantic, loving and nice to him? Oh yeah, because I can get away with being a miserable bitch. =/ Not really, he drew the line Tues and I do realize how much I appreciate him, but whatever, I don't wanna think about all that mush. It's our 15th anniversary today and that is a rather long ass time for a 17yr old's relationship in high school.
As for Rikki, eh...the girl is dead to me.
And as for everyone else, maybe they haven't found someone to love and appreciate. Obviously they aren't in love or anything, just a sneek peek version. It's sad and scary. Gets your mind thinking. I think the only reason none of dumps are boyfriends when we are unhappy and such is because the fear of being alone and independent and making it alone with a heart broken is rather devestating and we are not yet prepared nor ready to take that leap. I know I can manage and survive and not shatter and die like I claim to and think will happen to me. I'm pretty sure if he's out of sight and mind and I get on and meet new people and keep busy, I'll be happy, but I don't want to be without him or think of him out of my life. I'm not like Sammi and Sarah S. I am happy (occasionally.....I think?!) so yeah.
This all just makes me think....
- Mood: contemplative
This is the second night in a row where I have for some reason, been veryyyyy horny and nothing.
Today I was with Brad, and I fuckn gave him a handjob and such and he promised we would have sex. Wellllll turns out he first bought the wrong thing at cvs. it was a trojan vibrator thingy, but you need a condom to go w/ it, Yeah. Great.
Thennnn we traveled to Mr. Z's to steal more condoms and he got like a bazillion of them there, but sadly b this time I wa way beyon turned off.
Then we go to our place at the hospital parking lot near the bilo shopping center and we just laugh because the whole situation is ridiculous and I'm not turned on at all and he isn';t "up" yet so...it was interesting. Then when te ball finally gets rolling and we put the condom on, 2 cops show up behind us and a girl in a car that drives past us just laughing. We didn't get yelled at. caught., or in trouble, but it isnt safe there anymore.
So therefore, in conclusion, I didn't get sex. It turned out to be a horrible romantic comedy gone wrong. It would be funny if it happend to someone else and was a sitcom, but me.....i'm still left unsatisfied and miserable because I have so much tension and frusteration built up.
Rikki is still pissing me off, and at this rate, I'm gonna smash her face in. I have enough frusteration. If I can''t get an orgasm or *something* then a punch or fight will do fine. (I suppose).
And my parents are utterly annyoing assholes tonight as well. Cherry on top.
I had an overly beyond awesome time at Meyers today. I'd totally transfer! (maybe?!) That'll have to do for another night when I can think about the good day and forget the frusterating yet rather amusing night. Hopefully I'll look back on all this shit and laugh my ass off, until I get a decent sex adventure, bitching will have to do. ;)
((chels, I'm pretty sure you'll get amusement out of this "public" entry) =0
- Mood:
predatory
Rikki's a bitch, but I was born first so I'm a bigger bitch, how dare she even think about talking back to me. Asshole.
I'm going to Meyers tomorrow! Eek!
I feel FAT! (with a capital F) mmhmm.
boredboredboredboredboooorrrreeeddd =/
?!
- Mood:
enraged
He more less says "Do as i say, not as I do" I have to change, but he doesn't. And he can never be wrong. It's always me who is in the wrong lane and such and he always tends to have something to complain about. He's actually more the dissappointment in the long run. Like, he has to work Friday on our 15th month anniversary (which he has always* called off the 28th for the last 14months we've been together) I had a feeling this would happen. Him being the "hardworking man" now. Pah-lease!
Anyway, I knew we were falling apart, and I'm always insecure and miserable-ish around him. truth of the fact is, I don't thik I like who I am when I am with him. Ohwell.
We worked things out and are together and he we still claim to love one another. I think my only problem is that I'm scared to leave him at this time. it isn't the right time and I want him to get me a job. I want a car and a cell phone and then I can be stable and go on without him and live my own life and be free and not tied down, etc.
Sammi wanted to go to Bloomsburg this weekend with our friend Matt and his buddies, but as soon as I mentioned that, Brad threatend to leave me, I don't blame him, I wouldnt want him partying and such without me, but jeeze, all he ever does is threat. Threat and yell. He doesn't even try and attempt to listen and understand,
This whole month has been beyond suck ass and stressful. Between quitting my job at the begining of the month and trying to find a happier and new one, and family crisis with moving blah blah blah. The list goes on and on but he feels as if I'm being selfish. Yeah, ok. I always listen to him, and plus, he barley bitches anyway. I have a diffrent way of expressing my feelings and venting.
I don't have hiim to turn to anymore really, so I have this online journal. Yay!
Whatever.
- Mood:
horny - Music:legion of doom
This goes out to chelsea, since I set all of my entries to private lately, but yeah. Here's a small little shout out (due to bordem) =)
weeeeeeeeeee
xoxooxxoxo
- Mood:
crazy
I think it's time.
There isn't enough time for us.
We have the right love, at the wrong time.
- Mood:
sad
a ton of great stuff has been happening. yay. finally. Im excited and starting to come around and be happier and all that jazz,which is great.
well..we'll start with FRIDAY- i came home and saw a note on the door saying that my parents went to the ER with jack cause he broke his leg. That was amusing. Then around 5ish my cousin Chris came over to pick me up and all and go out to eat then take me back to her place. My parents picked billy and i up there and jackie had a cast on to his thigh. he broke his leg from the knee down cause he was jumping from bed to bed and evidentally he missed it. =/ We have to carry him everywhere now, hes cute though..i feel bad. <3
*Then* i was really bored and all so i decided to go out to the dance. I came late though =p but it ended up being an awesome time. Much better than the last dance and all. Gittens kept looking at me most of the time and all which gave me hinting signs that hes slowly coming around too. so i was pretty happy, and then akwardly dan came to me and started talking and all..at first i blew him off and was afraid of kenny but yeah. then i finally talked to the both of them and kenny and i went for a little walk and talked and all..and things are better and he doesnt hate me believe it or not,but eh..w/e. that whole group worries me and intimidates me too much, but i was estatic about that situation and all happening and good things coming out of talking to them. Then a slow song came on and gittens asked me to dance (ohyeah!) and now frey likes jill..=/ which is interesting. I love those people. Usually people may wonder why i hang out with "lower classmen" well..its not their age its their atittude and how they are with me and towards me etc, and their really awesome crazy good friends and are really there. there more than "aqauintences" which is awesome to have. im glad. it was a spectacular night actually ;)
The saturday was Madison's (my little cousins) 4th b-day. I finally got to see Rikki and she gave me a present and all. i felt really bad. her friend danielle was there too and it was good to see her. i didnt have much to say to sam and colene, but colene and my mom were actually talking normally and all and i didnt dress "skanky-ish" or anything so yeah. w/e. So i had so much to catch up with with rikki and all. i truly missed her. shes also one i feel so intimidated by. shes soooo pretty! ugh i hate it.=p i love her though. her eyes are gorgeous. (of course) Then they left early and the party started at 2 and my family didnt leave till 11. and then by around 6ish i was able to drink with them. Keith and everyone was telling me i should be careful who i drink with and yada yada. (yes, they all know about the sammi incident, duh..its my closest family!) and they were...well..i duno. but they did let me drink with them, i had myself 10shots =P and i started not feeling too well. I had these diffrent types of schnabs or w/e rootbeer, razz, and..damn i forget the other..but they were yummy. and then kieth gave me the newest smirnoff grape and an iced tea. They were good and no one really cared i drank with them cept this ugly ex friend chick. she kept rolling her eyes and shit, no one even wanted her at the party, she was invited for pitty? idk, oh well..she can suck my invisible wang.
-I fell off the barstool and my mom had to catch me 2times. it was embarassing and then everyone was making fun of me and since chris is preganeant and the only sober one she witnessed it and remembers it all, then again so do i. My stomach just hurt badly cause i was eating spaghetti still after like 3 first shots. Then i was just sitting there with the guys and all, and bonding with the moms and shit..it was cool. their all really nice i love my family no matter what. even sam and colene. your no where and alone in life if you dont have family and they are there 24/7 thick and thin right and wrong which is a comforting feeling and the fact that their all such partiers and know how to live is GREAT!. Keith asked me if i'd call him whenever i would be in trouble and i will. i intend to get myself in some sticky situations and i would love to turn to him. =)
-Then the guys got on the subject about porn cause kieth bought these dvds of naked women wrestling. im like wtf but everyone was laughing about it and it got me thinking of all the girls in the world and theres so many pretty ones its hard to compete. I mean..most guys like "real" girls w/o makeup and all that. He likes his wife My cousin chris) w/o make up better than with and all. which i duno, natural is pretty but makeup just gives the extra zing. i duno? all celebs are fancied up and fake..yet the guys think their amusing to watch and shit. ew. but i wanna be just as pretty as them one day in life *soon* when im a little older, im still just a kid ;)
-My mom was so wasted when we came home thougha and was so annoying and embarassing when she stood outside trying to get in the house. She threw up in the middle of the night, it was like a sammi repeat although not my responsibility. and they all though that i would be the one ending up puking my guts out, but hah!..i wasnt. =)
I cant wait to finally find that one special cool guy to bring around the family. rikki has her best friend danielle, and my friends..i dont wanna drag em to a baby party but its cool, i'd rather a b/f. my family is super duper awesome...it'd be fun.
today i went shopping around and have no money its so sad. I was able to manage a little gifts but my mom needed money to spend on the boys and all and when we came to the cashier i let her have my money to help pay. she was panicing and getting ready to just leave some toys behind but its sad and its x-mas. So..chelsea if you are reading this..i will get you a gift after x-mas if not before. my mom says shes gonna help pay and all..cause i was saving my money for the end of brad and chelsea so i can get them good stuff, its just sad and sucks ass this hole we got ourselves into. we went to red robin and barley managed that, but we were starving and yeah. but i will get x-mas presents!! i *promise*!!!! =)
i was looking through the photo album last night and it was sad. seeing me younger and all and the only child. i was the first kid (on my mothers side of the family) and yeah. then rikki came along. I saw her mom and her real dad in the pics before they even had rikki and then to think that they made this perfect motherly -type caring, beautiful girl. grr hehe. i need her around in my life. shes a need,not just a want. and seeing chris and keith in the photo album when they are my age! and i was madisons age. its eerrie and weird. shes so pretty too and yeah, its just this whole new era and genteration of kids is overwhelming. it was just rikki and i for 12yrs. its all good though...you just got to keep pushing forward. i cant ever go back to my childhood or act like that again and be titled weird or immature. i gotta keep going forward and await the new surprises and memories <333
I'M MUCH HAPPIER! <3
- Mood:
grateful
so therefore, no need to get into detail on here, i dont feel like typing it all out and going through it all again *yuck*.
so anyway, im done and over with george, for real this time im sure of it. After what all he said to me the other night...it pushed me away for good. I kept the convo but i just deleted it and decided i wont post that god forsaken awful shit, thats not something im willing to remember and relive. Everything happens for a reason, soo it makes sense sorda in the end of it all.
I still like gittens. I dissed him a ton today though in flex. hehe it was funny. a disguised way of flirting? mwhaha. hes a babe though and i want him (oh baby oh baby) =p
I punched this steve scales kid in the face today at the end of spanish 3rd period and made his lip and teeth bleed. i felt a little bad but then i began to feel kinda awesome and powerful about it. i was on a rampage today attacking people. 2 steves to be exact. oko got a face of my fist this morning when he threw my purse in the garbage can. I really cant say what came over me, it was akward yet funny? hmm hehe. I feel as if a little bit of weight has been risen off of my shoulders and im slowly coming around again to being my old self again *horray!*
I can honestly say, i do feel a bit happy. i really like gittens though and then i could be fullfilled 100% te he.
yes indeedy.
so um..yeah. im hoping for no school. This is the first week ive been here all the days in awhile. i always skipped or missed at least one day a week for quite sometime. its crazy and im drop dead tired as hell. pfff, im just lazy but im actually up now typing away on this instead of napping.
Today i was talking to cc about drinking and stupid miss sabola overheard and gave me this straight deathlook and said "your conversation has to stop!"and all that jazz, i was worried she'd tell someone and i'd be on like...probation or w/e but she didnt say anything to me the rest of the period and i was too scared to confront her about it, so why bring it up and get the subject back in the open. its none of her business anyway the cretan. ugh! eves dropper. for once i actually wasnt too loud, but then again im always loud and she heard so i guess i was? but ohhh weell tuff.
im done. ;)
- Mood:
listless
Saturday I consumed some news that took me down. I feel like i've basically hit rock bottom again and theres no one i can turn to. i feel so abandonded. At peters party i noticed the diffrernt crowds that formed. I loomed amongst all of them but felt so akward and misplaced and then it hit me that thats how school is. people change and things are diffrent, and maybe its just me. Maybe i've changed a ton and people dont want to be with me? Or...im still stuck behind in the past and im not moving along with people either. I dont know, but i dont like it. I dont have the support from my old friends long ago that i should and i miss. I misss itttt!
The one person i turned to was jill this day. She pulled me back up and was like my trampoline to bounce me back from all this news I got and all. It all piles up into a huge mess. I am certainly handling it well. I did not cry..i got freious though, (which no one blames me for) and yeah. But with sammi, pff she caused some bad news for me, quite heart wrenching. and chelsea...i would call, but i cant..she seems to be busy a lot and im not gonna bring her down and annoy her. I always feel im annoying so i turn to the people i can and say they'll be there for me the most. Last year i hit rock bottom in my life and im sure of that. I had a few help but i basically recovered on my own and crawled my way up myself having a few hands helping me pull up. But i feel like im still in this cavern and i didnt officially climb out of this hell hole. So...now this yr i have support and people understand and all. I never forget when a friend is there. always. Jill will listen to me vent and blab and when its off my chest and into anothers mind who can help me out and is willing..it feels relieved and good.
Later that night amanda called me. I told her (which i can) and that was great too. I know she is there for me its sometimes i just shun her out and away from my empty life cause i feel like hers is a mockery of mine with brad having the b/f she always wanted to have and got him. Im like yeah wtf, those two together makes my stomach turn and gives me the feeling that i'm missing out on something in life, and it makes me jealous to the tee. It's so bad, and maybe God is punishing me for this and not letting me love cause of my jealous-ness or something? Its a weird thing. But she is there. She even came over on such short notice and when i talked to her and told her stuff she came over in 5mins and cheered me up. THAT is a good friend. To just listen and comfort me and scratch my back, that made me feel a whole lot better and felt like for a moment the weight on my shoulders (which seems heavier this yr) is off. =)
Theres so much running through my head it's crazy, i gotta spill it out though piece by piece! All these negative thoughts run through my mind. I always seem to look at the worst of things and not the good. I wish i could though, but eh..i cant. =) And these things in my head beat me up. This is a battle i cannot win. All the negatives beat out the positives things and then thats when i get lost and feel so betrayed and alone. I hope and wish those negative things arent true but sometimes i believe it. I believe in the weirdness of life and the mystery. Like God having a special plan and design for us and everything happens for a reason and karma and all that junk. and most of that stuff when i listen within myself is not good, and i need to talk to someone to keep me from listening to that. I dont like being alone all the time beacause being alone makes me think. If im with friends and all, then i can escape that(myself) =/.
I get mean and mad and miserbale to hide up the tears and prevent myself from crying. Instead of always being emotional, i turn to defense and angerness. Its violent. Im mean to the people who hurt me and i will let that known, however...i wont and dont want to let them see me cry. Today at lunch daniel came to me cause she is going through a tough time too and i completely understand that. I felt bad and just took her in my arms and held her. It made me wanna cry too, but i didnt. I just cant push the tears out of me. Gittens just stared at me, maybe it realized im a good natured person. Underneath all my meaness, i am a nice cool person. The old sarah is there underneath everything. My friends and myself need to unbury her. I know an automatic reason that would make me the happiest girl in the world, but its so far fetched and out of reach that it cannot happen and i cant compete with all the girls who enter his measily little life. (george)
The news i heard was that sammi and george like eachother or one likes the other and yada yada. umm...WTF! If thats true on her behalf that was the lowest thing you can ever fucking do..and i mean ever. everyone* knows how much i love that kid (and hate) and miss him, and to do that? umm ok? they always say how ugly the other is and how they hate eachother but..im so confused and find that the worst thing in the world as of now. I cant stress enough of my anger and how wrong that is in sooooooooo many reasons. You DO NOT ever ever ever ever everrrrrr do that! ever. bitch. and then goes and flirts with gittens and shit. its been done before to whoever i like..she flirts with and makes herself known. when i was really close best friends with her, she didnt seem to take intetest in my feelings and who i liked...but bent over backwards to try and get brad and amanda together and brad and sammi declare that she got them together when it was mostly jill and i hounding his ass for months! But she hasnt came through to me! she hasnt helped me! wtf, she betrayes me. Its as if she wants to be like me sometimes and have my friends and all. i dont know why that would be, but it seems sometimes from all the evidence i collect and witness. =o i'm done
and i'm done with brad and all his broken promises and such. I need to get away from him so i can be happy for him and myself about his r-ship with my cousin. I dont wanna grow too much of an attatchment to him and secretly feel a wanting for him. thats gross and wrong but its been sparked up before. and i gotta get away and im not gonna depend on him anymore when he goes back on his word and ends up hurting me more than helping me in the end, and thats got to stop.
--Saturday night with amanda i went out with nick artie and evan. And i was scard to fucking death on getting caught. Knowing i can get caught and my dad could wake up at any given moment ruined the fun for me. We went up by the school and the old fairgrounds. We parked there and stayed for awhile and talked and all that jazz and amanda smoked..and then..i kinda sorda made out with evan =( It was weird, and sloppy and not my thing. After that it made me feel so used and all. I can only make out with someone i actually like a lot!!! a lot!!! lot. but yet i do make out with guys..(normal) But then i feel akward and shit, and im like ew. i dont even like kissing much. its not my thing..swapping that germy spit. =/ hah. but oh well. we finally went to bed at 6:30. =) it was fun and all, and i didnt get caught.
tomorrow i present my independent reading report after school. too bad i suck and signed up for the meeting *after* school. wtf. oh well, it was open so w/e. =) I loved the book..even from the first page im so corny
Today in math brit cc and i were talking about our wedding, yes i am a hopeless romantic little sappy girl who dreams of the perfect fairy tale wedding. i always thought and told myself i wouldnt be like that. Its surprising how you change and your thoughts and all. =/ HAH! But yeah, i think for my wedding song it maybe "again" by J.Lo or Running by No Doubt *yes i have em picked out hehe*
<3333
- Mood:
cold
Soo many secrets and sneekyness im hiding, i wanna unleash it all and let it out, but i can't =( fhsghs ahhh...i mustnt =/ it's all good and cool though..
--baking cookies--
shoveled and played in the snow today since we had nooo school. ahooo. how neato!
At 3:17 am (yes in the morning) there was 2 snow mobilers and ya know what, they pissed me off. they were so fucking loud outside my house and woke me up and then i couldnt sleep and im like wtf how rude! They were retared. my mom and brothers seemed to getta kick outta it cause they got up and watch them, as for me i reallly wanted to just get out there and yell at the motherfuckers. no one disturbs my peaceful sleeping. sleep is everything to me (sadly) and i was pissed off. =) but it was amusing, i must say. That incident led me into some pretty twisted snow mobile dreams <3
dicked over * dicked over * dicked over * dicked over = a way of life. <3 ;)
BABY I LOVE YOU!!! <333333 XXXXXXXXXXXX <-kisses! (only) =*
- Mood: giddy
- Music:Guarded: Disturbed<3
Im really scared and nervous about my upcoming future. Having that sophmore meeting puts me in concern, not really about my grades but just getting acceppted by colleges and all. I am lazy,and i dont excelin sports and all. I had a modeling photo-shoot this yr and hardly any auditions and so on. I just need to gather everything together, and its nerve racking to me.
All my hopes and dreams depend on my brain and my smartness, and im not smart. not book smart anyway. Im creative and veryyyyy imaginative. Im what people say think with the right side of the brain. i do allll the way baby and im hoping that flare for writing and being creative will and could possibly take me far..
When we enter kindergarden school seems like a breeze, and the elementary days just feed our brains all these baby steps we need to endure before we move on. So when you are 5 you are slowly building everything up to the day you apply to a college and take all those SATS tests and what not. Everything you do and think and did matter somewhat and will help push you down that right road. I've done many things, many things as a freshmon..hmm no.
So many people have it well and are on a pretty damn good track. I say im going to california like its a breeze, but i have this doubt in my mind saying im not gonna get accepted. Its this funny dreadful knot in my stomach and it worries me now. I have 2yrs to improve and join things and so on, but i dont know. I'm sure i'll bound to get acceppted somewhere, i mean theres tons of colleges across the country someone will take me. im not a complete loser and idiot, i just spend a ton of time sleeping as i did today when i came home. well...thats not true, i have potential and i have that little kick in me to get me going and a voice in my head telling me i gotta do this, otherwise i cannot rest knowing i have something to accomplish.
My dream was amazing today though during my nap time haha---But anyway, i feel like i am the more laid back kinda person who enjoys to party and get out and have a good time and socialize in and outta school and all and i bathe in the drama that looms in my social life and the school and get caught up with the wrong itty bitty worries that 6months from now down the road i wont give a damn.
I'll shape up and see what happens. i need someone to vent to =/ im scared! my lifes success and happiness depends all on my brain and i and how i do. we dont have much money so i cant afford to be a non hard worker. i gotta do thissss!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I got really embarassed today cause when i was going to 3rd period i ran smack dab into george and that was not cool. he gave me this look like i had 948756987 heads or something, im sure i turned red (i usually do) and i just power walked away.
Lunch was amusing as well. I couldnt look gittens in the eye. at all. it was pretty fun though talking normally to all them people again. i truly love them, they are my crowd and my friends..and...im happy with that =)
- Mood:
worried
Today was soo boring. Im dead tired, im super duper lazyyyy all i love to do is sleep. =/ bad.
Science sucks, being lab parnters with luksic. (go me) stupid foolish brad dicked me over there with that ordeal. blah, but w/e. Everyone always gets on my ass about shit. like..stupid shit that i dont even do or say, i sit there and everyone starts with me. im easy to pick on and piss off..sooo i guess that triggers off their amusement. =/ hmm.
Today in math class was soo fun trying to steal michas chocolates. me cc and brit. haha. we almost prevailed but it was harder than you think to steal. and oko was snitching on us that pansey moron! hoyugoidhg tomorrow we'll get some candy! yesss we willl..
flex sucked ass. both ways again, i felt uncomfortable at the begining of lunch. but w/e in mrs healys work room was like hell. We couldnt talk whisper or even giggle. and gittens got stuck there for lunch since he talked. haha. i laughed at him when she told him that and she snatched at me and was like "you think its funny? you wanna join him?!" i was like wtf..whatever, yeah i'd love to join gittens baby!! <33 whoooo!!
anyway..yeah i do still like him. he did keep looking at me...but maybe cause i kept turning around and glaring at brad and taking a quick glance over at james. hmm oh well,im obvious. i kinda sorda..well join on conversation with george this morning. he ignored me 100% and then some. well...not really..he did glance at me a little and all. but w.e screw him. slowly im moving on...yeah i think hes the hottest guy in our school (sorda kinda haha) and yeah i truly do love adore and miss him patheticly, but in time..i will gradually grow tired of it.
Dan and Kenny looked like stupid preppy fags today ;) weeee haha.
As for someone..(if i put a name it'd be hell, but this is so obvious)well well well..shut the fuck up. idc about your lovely votes and how loved you are. obviously people only voted for you cause you asked them? haha. no one really likes you a lot. I hear it. <3 hrehouwhtod bythgoygiufd mwhaha. how mean..but then again so are you to people huh?
Im mean to people...but ya know what im getting better and starting to lighten up a lot more. yay meee. *throws confetti* its all good. one step at a time im making progress with people. yippie.
- Mood:
relaxed - Music:hollaback girl: <3 Gwen
--She offered to take me out to a resteraunt to eat and everything and I was hesitant on if i wanted to go to friendly's or not. so we didnt. Then i thought of the brilliant idea of eating chinese but it was too late by then..so i feel stupid for not going there, that would have been awesome to eat some chinese!!
I felt so fat after my big mac meal, even though i was craving for it i just felt bloated and i did something stupid and made myself throw up..=(
I'm becoming one those those obssessive weight cautios girls! I always told myself i would not be like that and eat whatever i want..but i've let myself down and im selfish. all i care about is looking pretty. =/ and im on a fine line at that. I feel bad...i've only done something like that sparingly. i feel like i wanna do it again since the no eating doesnt work and i duno
blah when i look in the mirror there are times i think and feel pretty and confident then i stare longer and see me getting a little chubbier and all my flaws kick in and i notice everything and wanna cry. its bad..maybe i need like..therapist help or w.e. no.
im gonna go to the irem craft show with my mommy tonight, im burning up but i dont care, it'd be fun. =)
james is online right now and im too scared to im him and all, but i gotta..and i gotta set things straight from what all he heard of me at lunch on friday! roihfgipudrthg im scared! i havent felt like this with anyone else cept george and kenny. wow. =/ i gotta get guts. </3
- Mood: nervous
I really gotta get my ass to school. =/ im lonely and bored, but im burning up! I hate having the common cold, its annoying as hellllll!!!
I still realllllyyy like James. </3. I thought about him tons last night..eek! why? oihgyoicgh george is still a babe too and forever in my <333 hehe. =/ ((sadly)) I'm gettin mcdonalds, im starving im ready to pack on the pounds and become fatter. yuck.
- Mood:
sick
I can really bond with my aunt well. I like being with her and going places. It's very fun i must say. Anyway..we ate at grotto and across from me was this george look alike. and even did the same actions. it was wild, and yes...he was cute. I have an odd taste in guys. wtf. its kinda cute though, i kept staring..and yeah. it was all good.
Rikki was gonna come with us. but she didnt and thats kinda a bummer. I really wanted to see her, the only time i will get to see her is Dec 17th for our cousin madisons party. Too far away sorda. Its just weird how much you can love and care for someone (friends family) and then just a few words can start a war and then ruin and end everything. even family r-ships. it shouldnt happen. I was so close with colene (her mom) and rikki, and to think back on everything and then think of what they said and all..its a shame. anything can happen and if it can, it prolly will which is too much reailty to comprehend.
Sammi slept over that night. It went well..catching up on old times and the present dilemmas and shit. Then we decided to drink. Yes..i wanted to drink cause i wasnt able to friday night due to babysitting. But i did last night. its super easy for me to "feel good" off of 2 rum and cokes and a bahama mama wine cooler. But sammi was harder to get drunk with and...well..she insisted on drinking TOO FUCKING MUCH...she seriously went through everything. Doesnt remember a thing. I do. I'm like that..at a point i'm gone then bounce back into reality and then im gone again and bounce back, its crazy
i was coming up the stairs and my mom was coming down and she spazed on me. i made it so ovious i was drunk by staggering and laughing and she smelled my breath. I thought it smelled like a lollipop, obviously not. So i was in major trouble there, and didnt sleep much at all that night. every hour and a half sammi puked. major hangover for herrr. i was there for her until like her 4th puke and then i was annoyed. she was loud falling outta bed into walls and not flushing her puke made it known that we were gone. but by that time, i wasnt. i was too paranoid and concerned to have fun and all. it was just... eh.. oyt8ietygdg ;)
Today im gonna get a lecture. my mom says she no longer trusts me anymore and i abused her privelage she gave me on allowing me to drink. now..i cant. shes at a babyshower now but when she returns my head is decapitated. my dad already was about to speak but he said he'll wait for my mom. im so called grounded. ohh yippie! so..yeah, im kinda scared.
i gotta rude wake up clal from my mom this morning though at 10 telling me to get the fuck up cause im going back over to babysit.and so i did. It was hell. All the kids did was fought and i wanted to kill them. i hate kids, im gonna get fixed or something so i never have them. it was hell. and they wouldnt eat..and they were jumping on tables and chairs and killing eachother and i yelled (of course) and the girl sydney got mad at me and whenever i'd check on her or talk she'd do that whine inside her mouth in her throat kinda thing, that pissed me off. i wish i could have smacked her! yes i do. =P well anyway..imm home now and made 45. which isnt too bad. im in the money! haha not really, but good enough for me for sometime.
so..im anticipating this lovely ass lecture and shit when my darling mother returns. =( eek.
as for the rumors..i confronted brook and chris mcdermott (racoon) jumped on my ass too about how i should leave her alone shes having troubles. wtf ok? haha i laughed. She denied it though, everything saying people are saying the same thing about her. ok, i'll deal for now and let it slide till we see what shit goes down tomorrow.
PRAY FOR NO FUCKING SCHOOL CAUSE WERE GETTING SNOW!! WHOOOOO! i hope we dont. its so pretty out with the x-mas lights on the snow.Cute! <3
- Mood: worried
Baby sitting went better than i thought. Sorda.
I had to be outta the house by 11 and i got up at 9 thinking he was gonna pick me up at 10, so i didnt sleep in well...which sucked cause i got to bed late and yeah...but besides my sleep it was going to be fun. I actually dreaded being stuck to entertain 2 little kids (4 and 6) for 6 hours. But then their dad told me we were going to Chuck E Cheese!
I was excited, but that place is somewhat a drag. It wasnt as fun as the tv commercials made it seem and yeah. There was no balls to play in and slides and tunnels..just a bunch of games. They were pretty neat but w/e. Nothing really impressed me too much.
The pizza there fucking sucked ass!! it was thee worst pizza ever.beyond disgusting i must say. The sauce kinda tasted like the ravioli sauce you get in the can. ew? It was just nasty. And then when i thought this would be a fun breeze the one little boy (who is suppose to be potty trained) pooped his pants. But it wasnt just poop..it was dirarhea (cant spell) And he stunk up the whole place. literally. There wasnt a hell of a lot i could do though..i didnt know what to do and change him and all, so i made him just sit at the table until i wandered around trying to nervously ask one of the impatient mothers for a cell phone. I came across a mom with a nice looking face, which made her seem kind..so i asked her and i got the cell. their dad didnt show up until like another hour and half later. So..yeah
The funny thing was..when the Chuck E Cheese mascot himself came out in costume the little girl Sydney went up to him and was like "Your not real! You cant even talk!" I had to laugh it was funyn and all the kids faces were like..=0 haha.
Then i went back to their house and its like a palace!! It was amazing. I wanna live there. Their pretty rich people..and their house was basically HUGE! But it wasnt the size that got me..it was everything in their decor. It was amazing..all this expensive valuable shiny glass stuff. It was like a museum. Of course when the kids went down for a nap and their dad left i snooped around. I wnated to look through all the rooms, they were gorgeous. Im so envious! The master bedroom was deff my fave, it was so cool and what you see in the movies and all. I liked it. Then i just sat down in their enormous living room and watched "step mom" and "as good as it gets" cause the kids didnt get up till 4:30ish and went down at 2:30ish..so i had it pretty easy.
I made $50.00 which isnt bad. The only downfall is that hes remodeling his lake house and needs some more hours tomorrow and asked me to watch the kids again from noon to like 2 or 3. wtf i duno if im gonna do it or not..but he said it'd be like another 45 or 50 $ so..i need the money a hell of a lot.
But now im going out x-mas shopping with my aunt weee! TIS THE SEASON! im so pumped.
as for sammi..well..hmm duno if she is coming over or not? but w/e.
AND MY TITS ARE NOT ON THE CAMERA PHONE LIKE BRUCE IS TELLING EVERYONE. THOSE ARE ALEX'S AND BROOK'S ONLY*! MINE DID NOT APPEAR ON THERE BECAUSE WELL..JEE I WONDER WHY MAYBE CAUSE..I DIDNT DO IT!? WOW. I DONT KNOW IF I INCLUDED THAT LAST NIGHT..BUT I FOUND ALL THIS OUT WHEN I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH MY DEAREST BEST BUDDY BRAD LAST NIGHT. TELLING ME BRUCE IS CLAIMING THOSE TITS MINE? HAHA WELL, MINE ARENT LOPSIDED NOR POINTY! =p
yuppppp ;)
- Mood: anxious
If your gonna tell a story..make it true and right! Don't make yourself seem innocent and pure when your farrr from that shit. I'm not making myself seem innocent, i wont deny what happend but i wont leave out pieces of the story that are required and important to fullfill the understandment.
I only spoke to *my* closest well trusted friends about it, and no one else. Unless, someone asks me and their wayyyy wrong and off...then i'll define them a brief true summary of what happend. For the most part...yeah i flashed my tits to get a ride home when i was a little high and drunk. But i was able to control myself unlike other sluts i knowww that were there and "totally gone!"/. haha bullshit. that was a major ass joke. Why did i even go? It didnt take me long to realize i made a mistake and was in huge trouble. My "whining" saved my ass from anything else that was bound to happen. WSo fuck them and that cause i didnt wanna be/get raped. But you cant rape the fucking willing huh? Yeah everything is blown way outta porportion, and im done explaing myself and pittying myself and all. If i didnt tell you the whole story, dont even fuckin ask, im not gonna tell you. I told all that i wanted to tell and care about. Everyone else can fucking suck my tits for all i care. yeah...so right ;)
I'm gonna continue to be this bitch for a little while more maybe. It's so good to stand my ground and not be so afraid anymore. At this time, i dont care if i push anyone away..MY REAL FRIENDS WILL PUSH BACK!! Most of them proved this already which i am very thankful for with all gratitude...<333 love love love!
((i still have some love and kind in my shattered tainted heart =P )) hehe.
I think aaron hogan is gorgeous <3 LOL
Well..i dont know how my day went exactly. The library was a very uncomfortable and misunderstood flex. in other terms i felt tortured and would be anywhere but there with misunderstood and careless people. well..i duno..person, i guess? but w/e.
anyway..im getting a little better and over everything. But whenever i signed online (just now) i was flooded with 7 (yes 7) ims from diffrent people asking me all these questions and what happend and so on. its kinda annoying after awhile. Plus i have other things to tend to and have on my mind...just another burden to deal with, but hey thats life is it not? =;)
I have to babysit tomorrow and then go x-mas shopping with my aunt. I duno if sammi is coming over or not but w.e That should be interesting. I never felt so diffrent, weird, and drifted with her before...i prolly wont be able to be myself and "open up" and shit. I feel like all my *old* friends have gone away. hmm oh well?
no..its not technically "drama"..well ok..it is..but its also your your so called good/best friend going through hell and a lot of twisted troubles within herself and her surroundings. Yet, you wont lend a helping hand and help her out and take her and tell her its ok cause you dont wanna get "involved with drama"? Thats bullshit. Friendship sticks through it ALL and thats what makes a friend special and a friendship stronger. But..hah..only 3 people came through to me when i didnt even ask them for the help which is so true as they come and i thank them so much for it. I dont like venting and opening up too much. I just change in personality and decrease from stuff.
Sooo sorry if im sucha bother and all...but then FUCK YOU. theres nothing nice to state that in a diffrent way.
i forget all that really happend today except for the flexes from hell. =/ yeah. and i had this really weird dream when i took a nap. haha <3
It snowed..it was really pretty out when it did. It was....awesome. i simply loath the cold and dislike the snow to an extent,but its DEC and im soo in the holiday spirit and excited. Its welcomed this time of yr,then can go bye bye ;). I actually only really like the snow when its falling from the sky instead of just sitting there. Its much more prettier when the flakes come down.
I like it.
- Mood: enraged
I'm not insulted about being a bitch, i've been handling everything a little calmer and all before but now im pushed over the edge of the cliff and im not gonna let go easily without a fight.
I'm sick of everyone. I wish people would understand that and lend a helping hand? I dont like to lash out the WHOLE ENTIRE DETAILED STORY of what all happend to me and so on, i'd be there for awhile explaing every bit and inch of emotion i feel. I've been in distress very much last year and yet its continuing up again?! umm..thats not how its suppose to be? I thought you finally get a light at the end of the tunnel, a rainbow at the end of your storm. It seems to me i got a little "preview" of it, but once again their so far away and outta distance. I guess "everything in time will come".
I have so much on my mind right now. Ecspecially about my life and the future. People are excelling in their talents and sports and getting scholarships and sponsors and shit. Even the assholes are doing great and going at least somewhere with paintball. like..ugh im stuck, i feel like im in a trap and obstacle course.
I want my friends to be true and loyal at these times. No, i dont believe its asking much. I've always been there for my friends. i know i have. maybe some occasions possibly where i havent been the best support, but i try. I have karma points. But theres the support you ask for...and the support you dont ask for. I dont have to ask my true friends, they should know. And then theres the kinda surprise support that just shows up at the right time. =)
Maybe im being too much of a "sex and the city" junkie. I watch that and friends every night and want that kinda relationship with people. It's so pure and strong...why cant that be true? Movies and shows are fake and false but their at least based on life and some reality. Friends are important. I know i tend to push them away cause i dont wanna get them triggerd off too much. But i do need the support and guidance at these times. Its a ton harder than i make it sound cause like i said im not so open lately. too much going on oytiufdyhtfijhgjtfih!!! ouhgifutgh ugh!!!!
I gotta rewrite paragraphs very well to impress mrs pacini. I wanna go far with writing but i feel like im slipping. Im so lazy, i gotta overcome and change so much. Hopefully not for the worst.
lhrgiudyg HELP?! WTF?
(yeah, i'll go fuckin drink myself to death,you tub of lard!) ;)
- Mood: crushed
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